Hey guys, so this has to be like the third draft for this particular post. I’ve been rechecking it so as not to sound too sad. I’ve been feeling really down and I immediately concluded, Nonye is depressed again! I had been struggling to pray but today, I barely prayed but I cried to God telling Him that I was not okay and I needed Him to fix me. After a while I started to ask myself, “Nonye how sure are you that you’re depressed, can you really conclude without first being sure what depression really is?”
So I googled, “how do you know you’re depressed?” The results I got where basically telling the differences between sadness and depression and how sadness can lead to depression bla bla blah..
Well, guess who’s sad and not depressed? Meeee!! Reading articles on the difference brought so much peace. I know music, singing praises and some other things help lift my spirit but who knew that mere getting more information on your situation could lift your spirit? I always say I easily tend toward depression probably cause most times I have suicidal thoughts which is a major sign of depression but I’ve never been depressed!
I’ve felt sadness due to somethings going on in my life one of which recently is separation from a close friend. The devil has always meant for my sadness to turn into depression but countless times he has failed! In the times where I can’t even feel Jesus, I see His loving arms shielding me. Knowing Jesus has helped me know suicide is never an option and no matter how overwhelmed I’m feeling I’ll be fine eventually, it will surely pass. Of course I always take steps to feel okay, I like being happy and I get overwhelmed when I’m trying to stay happy and life is constantly happening to me.
Anyway, I decided to share my struggle with friendships and it’s what’s been bothering me for a while now. Sometimes when I watch people’s snaps or see pictures tagged “friendship goals”, ‘squad” and the rest, I legit feel like the “squad-less” girl in town. My sisters joke about how I’ll have to rent bridesmaids for my wedding or friends that’ll attend..smh. I wish I had a girlfriend that I could talk to about anything and she’ll understand, or in times when I’m feeling overwhelmed be there for me. Don’t get me wrong, I have people I can call up anytime and have a good time or talk about life or boys, mostly boys but I’ll say for a while I haven’t really been into girl friendships cause I guess I like too much attention and If it doesn’t almost seem like we are dating, are you really my friend? Lol
Growing up, I attached too much meaning to friendships: loyalty was key, being pleasant with your words (now by all means, tell me the truth but don’t be rude about it), patience, compassion and probably everything the bible tells us about love. If that was setting the standard too high, oh well, I don’t agree because I knew the extent I’d go for people I cared about, I could literally give my life for them. But then life happened! And people couldn’t love me the way I loved them. I felt like the one giving and never receiving and I guess the last best girlfriend I had was Fatiat (I dunno what we are now by the way). Fatiat knew everything. I always wished she was a Christian so then I could share my Christian struggles with her too but the Christians I knew then weren’t any better so I didn’t care.
I’m not the same person anymore, I’ve learnt that friends come and go and that’s okay. I won’t beat myself up about it anymore. I guess it made me appreciate family more cause I know they’ll always be there. I’m more connected to people that are around, I can’t promise I’ll keep in touch if there’s nothing keeping us together. Now I’m being tagged that friend that’s only your friend when she needs something, the “use n dump”. I’m starting to laugh now, I dunno if I’m that person. I think if I really cared about you from the beginning it’s never going to change, I’ll never forget you. I may not always text doesn’t mean you’re not constantly on my mind and I won’t be there when you need me. I’m sure I still have people that can testify to that.
I seem to be closer to guys now although I’m realizing that it’s probably cause most of them satisfy my longing to be loved, cared for genuinely and given appropriate attention. Once I like a guy as a friend and I’m sure he’s cool with being just friends and nothing more, then we move. Although I’m convinced most of these my male friends have hoped or are still hoping it could be something more. I’m accused of always giving the green light, wanting the benefits of dating but not really dating. I called it an accusation but maybe it’s true sometimes. I get easily attached, I fail to draw clear lines for which I’m currently learning how to.
For the longest time Uncle Seun (one day I’ll tell you guys about him) always told me that I should choose my friends and not let friendship happen to me. I still haven’t learnt, truthfully I think I’m a slow learner because I still haven’t learnt most things he has tried to teach me. He told me how having friends that share same values will go a long way in my life. I think he always thought I should have the usual values good godly Christian girls have. Well, over the years the people I’ve found solace with are people that drink, smoke, bad boys/play boys, people that do drugs and no I’m not saying this in a way that judges them. These kind of people have always been better friends, Christians are too busy trying to be better Christians or judging the next person or feeling as though they are better, with no struggles whatsoever. These kind of people have shown me love. These people are good people too they just make poor choices just like me. I’ve always struggled with my relationship with God and I don’t think I’m the best version of myself, life has changed me. Uncle Seun wants to help me find myself and God again, I’m hoping that’s possible. Till then I’m trying to live life the best way I know how and I’ll like for everyone to cut me a slack.
Sometimes I feel the Holy Spirit talk to me about the company I keep, He keeps dropping scriptures in my heart (Psalm 1, 2Corinthians 6:14, 1 Corinthians 15:33 etc) when I’m around some people but I guess I’m struggling because I believe I’m not better than them and even if God helps me become better I don’t want to be that Christian I talked about. Friendship has been a constant struggle and sometimes I feel all alone, having to deal with stuff all by myself and sometimes it gets overwhelming.
Anyway, I’ll really like to know how we can show love to “unbelievers” without being changed by them?